Steve's Birthday
by marylwhit
Summary: Scott - or is it Steve? - has a birthday. Problem is, it seems everyone's forgotten!
1. My Big Day

**_Hi! When Scott - or is it Steve? - feels ignored, he resorts to drastic measures!_**

**_x_**

* * *

Dear Diary,

Well, it was my _birthday _today, not that anyone remembered.

I mean, what do you have to do to get someone to notice you around here?

Be a doctor, or a convict, a prophet,or- whatever that bald guys job is...

Maybe if I get blown up or something like that 'Artz' dude, they'll remember me and my name,

or maybe I'll get eaten alive by the polar bear,

or swallowed by the black smoke!

I was walking across the beach today, and I told the blond-haired redneck it was my special day, and he rudly said "Well whoop-de-do! Let's have a party, you bring the food, and I"ll bring the fire wood, and I'll meet you in the cave at seven"

At first I thought he was serious, until I realised, he doesn't have a watch!


	2. lifesavers

Well, I decided to meet the man in the cave anyway.

And he didn't turn up.

Another man did.

It was the doctor. Or the dentist. No, doctor..

Whatever.

I tell you, the look on that guys face! Can he not smile?

I told him about my birthday, and he glanced into space for a moment, and then said,"That's great, Scott."

I could tell by his breathy, absent voice he didn't mean one bit.

The next thing, the dentist - no the doctor - or the dentist?

Whatever

- he put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a half-eaten packet of mint flavoured Lifesavers, and gave them to me.

"Here, Steve" he said, like he was giving me the gift of life,"Take these and use them well"

"Use them well?"

What does that mean?

Oh well, at least I got something. Even if the giver still doesn't know my name!


	3. boars and women

The next morning I awoke to the smell of something burning.

The pretty Asian lady; Moon - wait no, Sun - or was it Moon?

Whatever - well she was cooking with that middle-aged African-American lady. And cooking what looked like a boar.

I walked up and asked if I could have some, and that old lady shot me a look, and said, 'It isn't cooked yet."

I ask you, how dare she? Shouldn't they have things ready for me the day after my BIRTHDAY?

Well, later, I went to spy on them, and they were indeed eating the boar without me!

I am outraged.

They waited - _until I went away! _- to eat it. Even the dirty redneck that stood me up got some, and the fat guy! He doesn't even need it!

Wait until they see what I'm gonna do tonight...


	4. The Black Rock

Well someone read my diary.

I think it was the kid.

I wouln't put it past him.

The way he always asks me to play Backgammon- it's creepy.

So I spyed on him for a while, but then I got bored.

So, I decided to work on my master plan for the evening.

First, I needed some basic ingredients- dynamite, guns, a rocket laucher, citric acid..ect.

Then I remembered, craphole Island doesn't have citric acid!

My plan would need some ajusting. I went out to find my ingredients:

For the dinamite- since the dentist wouldn't let me have any - I got three sausegages and bound them up with liqourice. For the guns- I stole some of the kids black lego pieces and got constructing,

For the rocket launcher, I attatched a bottle to three peices of wood, and drew a lightning bolt on it, and for the citric actid, I squeezed up a lemon.

Maybe my things might not work, but they look good!

I lugged all my things over to the Black Rock that no-one goes to.

Then I waited for someone to come by.

My diobolical plan was nearly ready! (Here I laughed mescheviously!)


	5. Xylophones!

It's sundown now, and they're all sitting there.

Chewing on their boar, singing Kumbaya, and doing trust falls. Even the redneck.

The heroin addict - no wait, the peanut-butter - or was it -?

Whatever.

He's playing his instument LOUDLY. And the doctor is back on the drink, throwing a few back with that chick with the little airplane - the one that loves guns.

Or zylophones? No, it was guns.

I didn't get an invite.

My rocket launcher is hiding behind the fat man, and I must say, he covers it perfectly!

The guns are tucked in to my belt. I saw the dentist do it - and it looked so cool. I reckoned I'd copy. Who's the cool one now!

The dynamite is disguised as a Christmas ham, sitting in the fire.

The dog has agreed to help me in my plans after being bribed with a nice peice of sea-urchin. His barking will be a great distraction...

The fat dude, the poor one, is being taught by the Asian lady, how to find food on your common Island.

The skinny girl with the baby is eating the boar meat now.

But she'd never thing of offering.

It is now I make my move...


	6. PARTAY!

"Freeze!" I yelled, and everyone stopped suddenly. And I'll tell ya, they were all scared!

"Drop your weapons!" I said, pulling the Lego gun out of the back of my pants smoothly, and pointing it at the dentist. Yes, that's right. The dentist!

All the other survivors looked around at each other in confusion. I found this extremely rude, they were supposed to be watching me!

'Be alarmed!" I said, - just as the front of my gun broke off - "I have hidden dangerous explosives around the cave.. AND THEY COULD HURT YOU!"

The crowd gasped, listening to my orders for sake of their dear lives!

'Give me some of that tasty cow meat your cooking!" I demanded, and the dentist - his name is Jake - went to cut of some.

"It's boar," he remarked, serving me the cow.

"And 'cow-meat' is called beef." The fat guy finished flatly, as there was murmuring amongst the gathering.

"You'd know." I muttered, snatching the boar of the man in front of me.

The fat guy stood up.

'Dude,"He said loudly,holding up my bottle rocket, "Is this your dangerous explosive?"

Mr Key, the old bald guy took the rocket of fatty, and examined it carefully.

"Why it appears to be a bottle attatched to three peices of wood, containing a squeezed lemon, with a lightning bolt drawn on it!"

Everyone gasped.

"Fraud!" The redneck screamed girlishly, as I chewed quietly on my cow-meat.

"I have a gun?" I said as the crowd cornered me.

"..." Jake said firmly.

At that moment, the cave exploded, blowing all the island inhabitants up and out the top, but we all landed on our feet.

The trees around the cave were burning. "Is everyone OK?" The dentist asked, and then said something like "I don't want to have to fix your teeth!"..but I didn't really catch it.

"The dynamite!" I screeched, "It must have come in contact with the fire!"

"Theres only one thing to do." The redneck said wisely, assuming leadership position...

"PARTY LIKE IT'S 1999!"

There was a cheer from the crowd, and suddenly the island was lit with lava lamps, as disco balls drooped from the sky. Shannon-looking girls in bikini's on Rollerblades danced around offering out drinks, and even Mr and Mrs Lostzilla came to party!

"Sing me happy birthday!" I demanded, and the reggae music stopped and the Barney version of Happy Birthday was played. The castaways reluctantly sang to me, and I danced around with the Peanut-Butter rock star in the middle of the dance floor.

My master plan had worked, And I got the birthday I wanted all thanks to..the REDNECK?


End file.
